B+B

Sure-win

Metaphorically speaking

Summary of 2018

so now, we live again.

小人物的心声

小人物的心声

从前，因为老想要父母以我为荣，常认为要有钱有势，才是成才。 

Used to think that I must amount to something in order to bring pride and joy to my parents. 

但无论怎么赚，迟迟没到达有钱有势的境界。

However, no matter how hard I worked, I did not arrive at a wealthy or reputable status. 

有了孩子后，赚来的钱也就往他们身上投。

After being a Mother, I became fully invested in my children. 

自己也慢慢变成了无名无梦无理想。

Eventually, I became a nobody. No dreams of aspirations, no ambitions, nobody. 

整天忙忙碌碌，生活，工作压力大，难免感情更加不必说-- 抛在尾段。

Busied lifestyle, work pressure, life's pressure, needless to say, my relationship never got its turn. 

近来由于遇到一项挺大的问题，精神压力变百倍，还好坚持到现在，慢慢恢复安定。

Recently experienced acute distress, PTSD-- fortunately, I am slowly turning the tide and recovering my nerves.  

但脑海后还是担心误恐，只好希望时间能把恐惧淡化，慢慢恢复信心。

At the back of my mind, lurks the shadows of worry but with the passage of time, I hope fear fades. 

赛翁失马， 焉知非福-- 大问题过后，我们一家人反而好像从见光明，无比互相支持。

Blessing in disguise, my small family seems to have emerged from darkness, closer together. 

终于享受天伦之乐，虽然不是什么荣华，但还是非常平凡的辛福。

Finally enjoying family life, albeit nothing luxurious, we are humbly happy. 

小人物的心声, 原来的确是幸福的。

Indeed a low-key, uneventful life, for me is the happiest. 

More than just headaches

What is happening to our society's foreign worker scene?
35,000 in first half of the year borrowed money from licensed lenders.
What about those loans from unregulated, unlicensed ones?
This epidemic is horrifying.

Sunny Wolves

Our Sunny City, Singapore, have a problem with illegal money lenders. 

When our government legalized small, credit money lending businesses, they did not think that those businesses would have a life of its own. They morph into a monster bigger than they originally were. They become underground thuds and bullies, they target the ill-informed workers and harass both the victims and their employers. 

Legalizing money lending was just breathing fresh air to their originally illegal business. 

It is like issuing sheep-coats to wolves, expecting wolves not to salivate upon seeing a pack of sheep. 

So, for the initial first few years the wolves tried to eat and be cordial. 

After their market share been consumed, they move on to more threatening tactics. Harassing borrowers and shaming them at their workplace. Since there is no law against shaming. 

After consuming sheep openly, legally, they move on to eat up foreign workers, be it work pass or work permit. Still, it was legal to loan to that market. 

After consuming the work pass holders legally, the wolves moved underground. 

With a pack of wolves in sheep-pens, all hell broke loose. 

Just think about how many years of head-start they have already gotten. 

The thuds are in the dark, it is hard to clamp them down. 

The police has to sieve out its citizens who became runners for the thuds, letting them use their bank accounts and helping them register mobile numbers, facilitating despicable & unscrupulous bullying and threatening tactics. 

Currency changes all the time

Of late, a group of parents who set-up a social media group have been in the limelight for championing Life Beyond Grades. They've managed to create a platform for ministers, ministries, and MOE to talk about our society's / parents' obsession with academic grades. 

Personally, I have been following the IG of one of the key parent. She is a go-getter, a dynamic lady and I do find her personable and I do like her. 

There is always a however somewhere isn't it. 

However, due to the make-up of the group, I think that their outlook is inbred. Also, I feel that our MOE & ministries are just conveniently using them-- a bunch of outspoken parents, to convey what they had been trying to do and to undo the wrongs of yester-years. For instance, they announced that all government affiliated pre-schools will now abolish route learning Spelling, all K1s & K2s will not have to do Spelling from now onward.    I am like..... roll eyes?   Had they long understood early childhood, they would have long known that route learning is not suitable for young children, why do they need an initiative to front that change?   Like roll my pair of big eyes lor. For your information, many private childcare do not enforce route learning Spelling in their curriculum, so, I feel that it is the govt that is outdated, not the education industry. 

And there will be more to come! They've just warmed up. 

Correction:  They reiterated that they do not mean Grades are not important, they mean Grades are not everything. Grades do not define your child. They added that some children are just not academically inclined and that we shouldn't make those children feel worthless. If I tell you that the height criteria as a Netball Player is not important nor will it define you as a player because height is not everything, will you then be consoled with pity-points or empathy, and will you ever be tired of almost never winning?

I totally agree that Grades do not define our children. How many grown adults can define even themselves? And why do we need to have definitions?  Words are so limiting. Why don't we deal with how all those limiting beliefs, low self-esteem come about. They are not just about having poor academic grades, they are about having poor SES and the cycle that some parents are trying to break out from. Many do not have the tools, the resources, nor the luxury of something called Chance. 

Anyway, I am not gonna go on about this lah ok. 

I am getting so lax until I am not doing much of any thing with KiCo......... I am doing the bare minimum called - Homework, and that's about all. 

I do hope I can get up from my slumbering soon though. 

I need to do an "Osaka". 

I've watched several of her post match interviews on how she handled the pressure at Grand Slam Singles Tournament (Sept 2018) and the conflict she felt about wanting to win her idol, which she eventually did. 

Naomi Osaka had been trained to look away and not to pay attention to an opponent when the opponent is kicking a fuss. Although she struggled not to care, she did her best not to care at her own crucial moment, which is a strategy to follow during competition. It felt conflicted because she loved her idol. But still, she had to cancel the noises and stay focused. 

In her game, the currency will be the Scores. 

In our educational system, the currency is Grades. 

So until such time that our educational system changes its currency to something else, eg: Learning, then the assessments will be -- What's your learning (instead of what's your grades). For now, grades are the results of assessing what you've learnt. So until there are other benchmarks that our society accepts, we are all in for the long haul. 

Beaten to a Pulp

Last night I met up with PW. She asked how I've been since we've not met up for over a year now. 

I replied that for quite a long time, I've been zombified, I couldn't care less about most things. I added that I think Life had beaten me to a pulp, I feel like a slump, a slob of pulp, and that I could not even bother to pick myself up because it just keeps getting at me and not an ounce is left in me to resist. It was not a good place but I had been there. 

I think that part of life have passed and I am feeling better but I do think that my psyche make-up have changed and that I no longer have default optimism in many things, I do not like to be pragmatic but now I think it is the way to operate. It sucks to admit resignation but ya, I have been defeated greatly. Luckily, my kids do make me laugh inside some of the times, so I suppose it's not too bad. 

I don't think it's really that bad to have a "resigned" mindset like how I feel right now. 

Surely I can't command Life, nor does it respond to my liking. So I guess all I have is nothing but myself and the inner voice in me, which is fine. Better real than never. 

 Disclaimer:  Paint App. Not real.

May First & May Second

May 1st was a holiday but we still had Violin class.
Teacher C moved the class to the branch at Paragon because she has other students there and she asked for a make-up class since she needs to take leave next week as she will be going back to Malaysia to vote.

Was nice that we've managed to find a dress for Kiki to wear for the coming Violin exam (Grade 2).
Hope that she gets distinctions. Hope lah, hope.
If we get distinctions every step of the way, slowly but every step; we might have a better chance at SOTA (?)  So lazy to work for it though. But still, wanna be hopeful.
Lazy mom.

 May 2nd
Back to getting up early to cook for recess and to head to work.

They made a drama series called "The Crown" in which the Queen is of course the main character but they've paid the male actor MORE than they've paid the female lead. 

This is 2017............................................... they have not grown 

but today, we hear the news that they've paid the female lead in "back pay", so as to closer the pay gap. Wonder if they would have done this if the news of the pay gap was not made known. 

I used to be angry but I no longer am angry. So I do not advocate "pay back" like with vengeance. 

But I do believe that with patience, education, and speaking up, there should be a practice in Back Paying. Especially for those who had out of their own dignity, given much more than required. 

In the name of "The Crown", may all who had been underpaid, get back-paid now. Men and Women. 

I do not just say this for Women, I say this for both genders. 

Blighted Ovum

(Emotions processing over the past week, not conclusive, just passing, running, emotions. well, because healing is in progress)

Okay, so I get to do at least one entry about how I feel over the episode of my sis' annulled marriage right?  From the time they've dated (2012) till now that they've ended (2018) I reserve the right to express my grief over this, given the level of complexity I've felt.  I need to say something in order to process and leave this in the pensive bowl. It is over and the sun will still rise tomorrow but the hurt has to wane, we can't go around with an injury, it is not healthy. 

From the time they were dating, I had a dream episode. I do not know why, I do not ask for these but it has become clear to me now, the fact that I get epic dreams that may have been messages or warnings, alas I am not really equipped to interpret my dreams. Worse still, I interpret them wrongly. 

But I also do not wish to be too entangled with mystics, we still are here in the flesh aren't we?  So, live it. So, long story short-- In my dream (that was in 2012) a gang of gangsters had kidnapped my sis. Me and her then BF were frantically running around town, like in a treasure hunt over the island, getting hidden messages left by the kidnappers, clues and quiz to solve in order to get nearer to the location where she was being held. Time was running out and we were desperate, we decided to hunt separately. Finally, the kidnappers gave me another clue, I reassembled with her BF and told him the clue. He was very calm and said to me that "he knows what to do". Shortly after, I found my sis but she was inconsolable, crying until her body dropped to the floor. It appeared that her BF had jumped off the building as the message was for him to pay his debts by death, in exchange for the release of my sis. (end of dream). I woke up exhausted, shocked, and very confused. I had thought that the message was "self-sacrifice", which I took it as a message to say that he would do "anything" for her.  (OMG, in real life, I couldn't be more wrong! gosh, the only time he called me up on the phone was to have me influence my sis to part with him, he said if not, he might throw her out from the windows of their flat, along with himself. He made that threat twice during the phone conversation. There is no mistake about it, that was why I evacuated my sis that same night. I could not risk a threat that had been emphasized.) So I guess the dream message was telling me about the distraught part. About her going through the loss and distraught. Anyway, mystics aside, we still have to go through this, won't we?

So anyway, I don't wish to revisit the hurt, I am trying to find a way to carry on, hopefully without any post traumatic stress disorder. So anyway, finally today I had another realization. The marriage was like a "false positive" pregnancy. So that's also a little sad but at least when I see it clinically, the hurt could be transferred. Then came another realization. It's also like "Blighted Ovum" pregnancy. Having an ovum that attached to the uterus, was beginning to look like a real pregnancy but it did not develop into a fetus. The removal of the ovum or purging (miscarriage) is painful. 

So, if I look at it this way, I think we can start to heal. Because it was not meant to be. 

As much as we had all, and I mean all of us, at one point or another, lived that short-live moment.

(watched "The Good Wife" season 7 today)

Year of Heartbreak - 2017

Normally, I'll write a year-end closing post. Some kind of reflection for the year that's ending. 

But last year I skipped that because I didn't want to put much attention onto a year's end. I thought to just let it be seamless because it is just another day. But no, my psyche still needs to have starts and ends. If not I might as well be a machine. However, I do not plan what to write, I just type whatever's on my mind. But I try to be mindful to be responsible for the energy I bring to anywhere, including online. But you will have to realize that running thoughts are nothing but running. They come and go, while they are real at real-time, they are dynamic and have lives of their own. It is the same with anything because things are fluid. 

2017 had been a heart-breaking year because my sis and her ex-husband had separated. 

I am not able to talk about it because tears will fill my eyes. Including now as I type. 

Of all the things that had gone right and all the things that had gone awry, I think, mostly things went awry long ago but we had never, in a million years, saw this coming. 

It's like having your last breath knocked out. 

It hurts like hell.

So, whatever the case, we still have to deal with the aftermath. At this point in time, we are in hiding.  We have been in hiding for a few months now. We do not want to break the bad news before CNY as we do not want to deal with responses and questions because I think, we are unable to deal with them. So, for now, we are just laying low and intentionally being absent.

We will do our best to get over this. But it takes time. 

So that is one large part of my life that is in pain. 

Hopefully, our hearts will become whole again. 

On a lighter note, Happy New Year. 

Today is a great day because I have finally cleared my credit bills. 

It's like having checked-out from the drug rehab center, feeling clean but lost. 

Because I will have to start over. 

Little by little, I will have to rebuild my bank account to a level I feel safe. 

To think about it is rather daunting, like an insurmountable goal. 

To plan the stuff I wanna do is also so discouraging. Because it looked like it will take a long while. 

So, I don't wanna think anymore. Well, at least for the time being just take a break, and celebrate that I'm on a clean slate. So, Happy New Year ya. 

So, now, what's brewing?

Nothing much. 

I have finally reached the level where I genuinely care nothing for the antics of office politics. (cross my heart). I see a Circles playing on and while I feel sad for their state of insecurity, I am even more sadden to see that great lengths went into plotting. I do not have the capabilities to affect them positively. So, the only thing left for me to do is to carry on doing my part, for the company, for myself, just stay focused because doing proper work will already take up much energy, so use my energy wisely. 2018 will be a busy year. 

So, my dear friends, I leave you with nothing but good wishes. 

Thanks for sticking it out with me. 

You are what you feel

Kiki to Elsa: You're alone now, Mama never wanted to be you. 

This happened as some time ago, Kiki queried why I've never chosen the Elsa character whenever we play Monopoly. I told her I do not fancy her character because she shuts people out when she's hurting. Yes, I get it that she has insurmountable problems and would rather shoulder the entire weight and suffer the curse by herself than sharing her burden but to do that to her own, blood sister, is plainly having no ability to trust or having too much pride to let known her vulnerability, not taking chances even with closest aides, that, to me a weakness. (As I criticize her, I know I am also criticizing myself). Kiki pointed out that eventually, Elsa did "become good" (she meant open-up), which I agree to her observation.

 She would beg me to play Monopoly with her. 

Some of the games are just like this--- progression of winning or losing is very brisk when you have unfair advantage/disadvantage. For instance you see here, I've got 10 properties while she has 5. For a start, it has nothing to do with wealth because we both began with same amount of money. For the first ten rolls of the dice, it is basically based on Luck. After ten rolls of the dice, you will more or less see the structure of your wealth. You see, if you've managed to amass more properties, it is only natural that you will get more players landing on your properties, it is simple math. However, the landslide advantage is when you have "affiliated properties" i.e: properties under the same umbrella (colour), you will then, be able to collect double the amount of rent. Very soon, you will either be paying off your ass or laughing your way to the bank. It is not the same as rather equal chances of paying regular rent and getting regular chances (chance cards) or regular adversities (go to jail cell). 

Do we, as a society, see this at all? 

Do we? really?

People like me, are not born stupid. Perhaps born with less than good luck but surely with working brains, hands and legs, eyes, ears, mouth and nose, I should count myself lucky ya?

Can't help being unhappy over the fact that my parents chose to forgo their education and went to work at young age in order to put their siblings through school and to put food on the table. One generation apart, look who are collecting double rents? The children of my parents' siblings. They are cousins by name but they are not cousins by relation. Remember to be grateful for the roads you're travelling on, they were not built by you, they were built by people who had sacrificed and I refuse to be a collateral damage. No, and no thanks. I will find my sweet-spot in "social mobility". 

source: Illustration from a 1916 advertisement for International Correspondence Schools, Scranton, Pennsylvania, a vocational school, in the back of a US popular science magazine.

sketching with Instagram (using my story) 

You are what you eat, you are what you feel.

You are, however, not what you think (if you do not feel that way).

Learning to speak up & get my money back

It is never too late for me to learn to have a better relationship with money. 

I've had them before and I've had them left me, but I am now learning to have them back and this time, have a loving relationship with them. 

First and foremost, it really isn't about the physical dollar bills nor the digits in the bank that we're after, although for the sake of trading and for a form of physical exchange, money takes the form of dollar bills, coins, and digits in the bank. 

The real money or the concept of money is,  , , , , , , our feelings. Our relationship with ourselves. 

Well, at least that's how I've come to learn. 

What I'm really after is a wealth of emotions. A wealth of feel-good emotions. Freedom of choice, freedom from fear, guilt, shame & judgement. Move it along the spectrum to freedom to bask in feelings of assurance, abundance, and feelings of empowerment.

When I was short-changed, I had always felt bad about speaking up. It's like- "Ai ya, don't kick a fuss about it lah."  or -- "Well, he's not cheating me, he's cheating himself." or-- "He will face his own Karma." or--"Forget it." etc, etc. So those kinds of thinking becomes outdated, obsolete beliefs with detrimental consequences because, hey! I am still a living person (living in a cosmopolitan city with ever-growing offers).

So anyway, as soon as I was coming into the zone for growth I quickly noticed happenings presenting themselves to check me. Of course when the vending machine didn't give back my change, I thought I shouldn't "waste time and postage" to ask for the change ($1), but I thought again how will I show that I've a new relationship with money if I still fall back on old behaviour? Hence I texted the number on the machine and they sent back my change. That's a good company and this is how the world works, good vibes huddle together. 

Then! Yesterday, an App that I had registered my EZ link card for some point rewards thingy sent me a reminder to use my points before expiry. It occurred to me that that EZ link card was the one I had lost 3 weeks back. I went on the the EZ link activate website to register my card and to view if anyone had picked up my card or used the credits ($19). To my surprise,,,,,,,, my card appears to be lost in twilight zone. So! I am able to deactivate that card and have the money refunded to me. (!) Wow, isn't that wonderful? To say yes and have it come back?

And if you're still here you might as well listen to one more mini-episode regarding my new relationship with money. 

The childcare was gonna refund partials of our deposit after deducting the school fees for the final month of December and that applies to a few eligible parents on subsidized school fees schemes. The principal told me that I wouldn't be getting any refunds because my deposit is just right for December's fees. I just nodded in agreement although I know fully well that we are on subsidized scheme. I was thinking-- never mind lah, the school has been so good to the kids and I, let them have the money they deserve. A few days afterwards, the principal called to tell me she had made a mistake and she'll be refunding partial of the deposit. I was like, wow, thanks! Seriously, I need the money to buy school books and shoes ley! LOL. But on a more serious note, WHY DIDN'T I SPEAK UP? and what changed?   I AM learning to speak up. I have no problems speaking up for others but I have a problem speaking up for myself. That is not a nice position to be in. So, I've moved and shifted. I am learning and growing at 44 no less.

Vicariously Star Struck

My cousin was in LA when Jim Carrey drove past and waved hello to the pedestrians.

She took a short clip but she isn't someone who would do crazy stuff.

I told her I would have ran after his Limousine if I were there.

And then I would have shouted: "Good morning!"   and if I don't see you later, "Good afternoon, Good evening, and Goodnight!" 

I don't have a quotable quote from the other movie- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, so I can't shout a line from that.

So that's just a fickle of my imagination, you know, living a vicarious life, looking through the eyes of someone else. Don't we all do this these days? All the ogling has subdued my desires. Unreachable goals are better left undesired. But desirable goals will become reachable. Isn't that oxymoron? Once in a while, something like this makes me feel alive again. 

So I thought I would watch Eternal Sunshine during my lunch hour.
I can't begin to tell you how much this movie influenced me.
The moral & ethics behind the intentions to delete "painful" memories from one's mind, if you could do it, will you? If you could perform it, should you?