Last night I met up with PW. She asked how I've been since we've not met up for over a year now.
I replied that for quite a long time, I've been zombified, I couldn't care less about most things. I added that I think Life had beaten me to a pulp, I feel like a slump, a slob of pulp, and that I could not even bother to pick myself up because it just keeps getting at me and not an ounce is left in me to resist. It was not a good place but I had been there.
I think that part of life have passed and I am feeling better but I do think that my psyche make-up have changed and that I no longer have default optimism in many things, I do not like to be pragmatic but now I think it is the way to operate. It sucks to admit resignation but ya, I have been defeated greatly. Luckily, my kids do make me laugh inside some of the times, so I suppose it's not too bad.
I don't think it's really that bad to have a "resigned" mindset like how I feel right now.
Surely I can't command Life, nor does it respond to my liking. So I guess all I have is nothing but myself and the inner voice in me, which is fine. Better real than never.
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