Blighted Ovum

(Emotions processing over the past week, not conclusive, just passing, running, emotions. well, because healing is in progress)

Okay, so I get to do at least one entry about how I feel over the episode of my sis' annulled marriage right?  From the time they've dated (2012) till now that they've ended (2018) I reserve the right to express my grief over this, given the level of complexity I've felt.  I need to say something in order to process and leave this in the pensive bowl. It is over and the sun will still rise tomorrow but the hurt has to wane, we can't go around with an injury, it is not healthy. 

From the time they were dating, I had a dream episode. I do not know why, I do not ask for these but it has become clear to me now, the fact that I get epic dreams that may have been messages or warnings, alas I am not really equipped to interpret my dreams. Worse still, I interpret them wrongly. 

But I also do not wish to be too entangled with mystics, we still are here in the flesh aren't we?  So, live it. So, long story short-- In my dream (that was in 2012) a gang of gangsters had kidnapped my sis. Me and her then BF were frantically running around town, like in a treasure hunt over the island, getting hidden messages left by the kidnappers, clues and quiz to solve in order to get nearer to the location where she was being held. Time was running out and we were desperate, we decided to hunt separately. Finally, the kidnappers gave me another clue, I reassembled with her BF and told him the clue. He was very calm and said to me that "he knows what to do". Shortly after, I found my sis but she was inconsolable, crying until her body dropped to the floor. It appeared that her BF had jumped off the building as the message was for him to pay his debts by death, in exchange for the release of my sis. (end of dream). I woke up exhausted, shocked, and very confused. I had thought that the message was "self-sacrifice", which I took it as a message to say that he would do "anything" for her.  (OMG, in real life, I couldn't be more wrong! gosh, the only time he called me up on the phone was to have me influence my sis to part with him, he said if not, he might throw her out from the windows of their flat, along with himself. He made that threat twice during the phone conversation. There is no mistake about it, that was why I evacuated my sis that same night. I could not risk a threat that had been emphasized.) So I guess the dream message was telling me about the distraught part. About her going through the loss and distraught. Anyway, mystics aside, we still have to go through this, won't we?

So anyway, I don't wish to revisit the hurt, I am trying to find a way to carry on, hopefully without any post traumatic stress disorder. So anyway, finally today I had another realization. The marriage was like a "false positive" pregnancy. So that's also a little sad but at least when I see it clinically, the hurt could be transferred. Then came another realization. It's also like "Blighted Ovum" pregnancy. Having an ovum that attached to the uterus, was beginning to look like a real pregnancy but it did not develop into a fetus. The removal of the ovum or purging (miscarriage) is painful. 

So, if I look at it this way, I think we can start to heal. Because it was not meant to be. 

As much as we had all, and I mean all of us, at one point or another, lived that short-live moment.

(watched "The Good Wife" season 7 today)

Dreams

I have been dreaming a lot lately.
A lot as in every day.

I read an article about an experiment where a group of people (who meditates), were split into two.
They were then randomly paired. They do not know each other.
Then subject A would think of a picture/image and record it on paper, send it mentally to subject B in the next room preparing to get into REM sleep.

The researchers would wake Subject B up shortly after REM and ask if they had a dream, and record their dream. as in write down about their dream. They found an astounding number of subject B receiving the image that subject A sent.

So me being me, always mention about any thing that I found amusing.

I told Bren that I will send him an image and he should tell me about his dreams the next day.
He laughed until he drooled. I must have cracked him up.

So that didn't work.

The following week (which was last week), I told Kiki about that experiment. And she told me that she will send me a picture to dream about.

I met my cool soul mate ya. Hahahaha.

So I said okay, we should take turns to send each other a picture.

She said we should play this game until I am old.

So far she had sent me a - patch of grass, a dog, an ice cream. (and some other stuff I can't remember)

I had sent her a house, a lizard (I tried to undo but I think I can't), two dogs (she always wanted two dogs). (and some other stuff I can't remember)

So far we have not successfully intercepted each others' pictures.

But I have been dreaming every single night since.

Like I've said, I think we dream every night, it's just that we don't remember them sometimes.

So I think this 'game' had led me to remember the dreams I have toward waking hours 5-6am.

Unfortunately, the recent dreams were stressful dreams. About me being an event organiser and trying to get the delegates onto a day tour and my transport being late and me trying to call my event partner and getting through her mobile but she put me on speaker hold while I could hear her entire conversation with another person but unaware of my urgent attempt reaching her, yelping on the phone for her to answer my call, hoping that my yells would emit some noise no matter how tiny, a sound via her phone to get her attention like in -Honey, I shrunk the kids- kind of scene, a feeble attempt to get her attention.

I don't mind these stressful dreams because I think the sooner they get purged, the better!

So purge away you stressful dreams!

Haha.

I love to dream

I love to dream. Not day-dream but sleep-dream.

I hadn't been remembering my dreams the past few years (yes, years.) and I miss dreaming.
So one day, I wonder why haven't I been remembering my dreams. (by the way, it is said that we dream every night when we sleep, but we may not have a memory of our dreams), so ya, I was wondering why I haven't been remembering my dreams. I could only narrow it down to perhaps the poor sleep-quality that I have in the past few years. Like past six years, I suppose. So I was glad that I am beginning to remember my dreams again in the past two weeks.Oh, ya. I do remember one or two very lucid dreams but they come once in a very blue moon. (one very lengthy, graphic dream took place 2.5 years ago, I surely remember that). So anyway, yesterday morning, I dreamt about me at a hawker centre fishball stall. The hawker running the stall was my pre-U class mate- "Z.Z", she looked more or less the same from school days, just like a tad older. I was excited to see her, I said - Hey! ZZ, how have you been? (we weren't exactly close or anything, she had only stayed in school for a year before she left and got married and the last she updated me, she was expecting a baby. that was.... 1991). Anyway, in my dream, my warmth was not met at same level, ZZ smiled awkwardly. I don't know why I had ordered 20 cents worth of fishball noodles but she did make a bowl of noodles for me (without any fishballs), a few strands of noodles in a small bowl. So I thought to myself (in my dreams), oh, silly me, what on earth was i thinking! (i chided myself in my dream). I apologised for my boo-boo and said - Sorry, I mean $2 fishball noodles. (still, my dream state is not updated with current pricing... where got $2 fishball noodles these days!) Anyhow, she served me a bowl of full size noodles complete with fishball. We didn't chat in my dreams, that was the end of that short dream but I am very glad I remember my dream. I want to remember ALL my dreams. Good or bad ones.  There was once, i was telling my colleague about a random dream. he looked at me and thought that i was bizarre. he said no one dreams in colours. i said of course dreams are coloured, you see colour in the day, why won't you dream colour in your mind? i asked him. he was very puzzled. he said his dreams are like greyish monotone or at best faded monotones. i have never thought that anyone would dream without colours and he had never thought that anyone dreamt in colours. so i went on and asked if he dreams of himself as himself or in his dreams he could be somebody else. he looked at me like i was crazy. he said of course he dreams of himself as himself because he is himself. i said occasionally i dream of myself as myself but mostly i am not myself in my dreams. i am usually a presence, a consciousness, or most of the time, just whatever character in my dream. for example, i have been an old, caucasian man, a very ancient pigtail china man, and many others, many times soldiers in the field, at war zones. always as man. i have not dreamt of myself being a woman except when being in my current self. i think that was too much information for my friend to handle, he really thought that i was joking with him. and i haven't even told him about any of my flying dreams or supernatural dreams. i have not told anyone except brendan that i even dream in animation. (but that only happened twice, but it was wow.) i telepathy in my dreams. sometimes, the people in my dreams also telepathy me. so we talk through the eyes. it is very natural. i think not everyone dreams these kind of dreams. from the look of it, very few people dream of themselves as somebody else, so i hardly talk about my dreams since then. but others' opinions has no effect on my fondness of dreaming. oh, i don't like stressful dreams though. who would. stressful dreams are dreams where i keep running. running running running. anxiously hiding. there are forces wanting to capture me. other stressful dreams are like me searching frantically for a phone to call during an emergency. always, and i say always, i couldn't get my fingers to dial the correct numbers. it takes a horse's strength to command my fingers to move accordingly. and IF i had finally dialed through the number, the receiver would tell me that i've got the wrong number! or that there would be an engaged tone. those kind of dreams i dread. so there. i've said it.